Grandparents or parents getting on in age are often proud, and most often, they absolutely should be. After all, they’ve seen so much over the course of their lifetimes, they’ve raised a family, and if you’re here to care for them, then they probably did a good job of it all things considered.
That said, sometimes this pride can be an issue once they reach a certain age. Aging is tough for everyone, and this is especially true as you reach your golden years. However, it’s true that mobility issues, difficulties with memory and the other signs of aging are not necessarily issues you can just ignore and work through, but measures that may require a little more advanced help.
For all the love and care you no doubt show your parent, it’s important to understand where the limits of your capabilities lie. This can help you avoid allowing your parent to spend more time in a home not perfectly equipped for them, leading to potential issues or not having access to the kind of care they deserve.
All of that sounds good on paper. But discussing with your parent why you think a continuing care retirement community or living independence support to a specific degree can be helpful, they may not want to hear it. For some, it can be an acceptance that yes, age may be a little more than they can handle right now, even though of course that’s not the right way to think about it. Where should you even go from here?
Well, in this post we’ll discuss a few steps you can take for success. With that in mind, please consider:
Choose The Right Time & Place
Look for a quiet, private setting where you can have an open conversation without distractions. It’s best to choose a time when you and your parent are both relaxed and not rushed. Be patient, and allow ample time for the conversation to unfold naturally. Emphasize how much you love them and the issues you’ve noticed them dealing with, and how you can’t help them as much as you’d love to.
From there, encourage your parent to share their feelings, fears, and desires. Active listening is key here; show genuine interest in their perspective, and validate their emotions too. Remember, it’s a two-way conversation, and treating them as if they were a child is going to have an adverse effect.
That said, don’t talk around the issue. Be specific and have specific goals. We’ll discuss that next.
Bring Your Research
Before talking with your parent about this topic, it’s healthy to have some evidence on hand so they can understand your true meaning, and not feel offended by by your careful logic.
That may involve a brochure for an assisted living community. It may a video of exactly what services they could expect. You might also discuss the prospect of them selling their house and using that to go on trips or to enhance their quality of life in other ways – though of course, not making this seem as if you were interested in this, only how it could benefit them.
You can also show them the benefits, such as having more of a social life with people their age, the trips and events the living space puts on, and more. You can inform them of every stage of the process, and why you think it would be helpful for them.
Highlight The Downsides
Of course, it’s not just about convincing your parent they would be better off here, but what might happen if they refuse. If you have a family to take care of, you might not be able to dedicate as much time as you’d like to helping them.
It may be that despite living aids like stairlifts and alarms, a their mobility issues make trips and falls much more likely, and this could be a real issue if you can’t help them. Perhaps you’re having to move away to a new job location and that means you can’t offer the level of care you once had, even if you do plan to make regular trips back to see them.
That’s not to say you have to scare them or make them feel bad for not accepting your offer, only laying out the realities of the situation will make your opinions clear and ensure they can’t discount them out of hand.
Some people might be concerned about things like a nursing home fall, and whether they will be looked after properly. The best thing to do is talk through what would happen and reassure them that you would get to them as soon as you could if something like this were to happen.
Bring In A Third Party
Sometimes, bringing in a trusted third party, like a healthcare professional or a geriatric care manager, can help validate the need for assisted living. Their expertise can provide an objective assessment of your parent’s situation and recommendations for the best course of action from there. This can reduce the feeling that the decision is solely coming from you, and that you’re forcing it on them.
This way, they can ask any and all questions they might have. They might want to arrange a tour with their potential caregiving provider. They may wish to see the rooms they could be allocated, the events, and even the quality of the food (who could blame them?)
Such an approach will also help you avoid “othering” the care facility, as if it’s a consequence if where they need to go, and bring it to them. Here you’ll be able to showcase the benefits firsthand and prove that this isn’t a trick to get rid of them, but to completely improve their quality of life.
Plan For Difficulties
Of course, the sad truth is that some parents might not accept they need help, or have the capacity to understand the decision either way, but be in desperate need of it. This can only be undertaken if you have guardianship status over them, which can be granted if your parent is found to be unable to care for themselves.
While this may seem to be against their will, sometimes it’s a tough decision that can be for their benefit. For example, assisted living facilities that offer trained staff to help with dementia can truly help them live out their final years with dignity and comfort, the comfort they deserve to enjoy. It’s never nice to plan for this, but sometimes, it is needed.
With this advice, you’ll be better able to handle this sensitive subject with care and dignity.
